The Art of Shutting Up

Let me tell you that there is something that I really struggle with, listening. My parents told me that it took me longer than usual to start speaking when I was younger and so I think now at the age of 21, I am just catching up for all that time I missed sharing my words with others. It takes a long time to learn how to speak but perhaps it even takes longer to learn how to listen. I don't want to just hear what people have to say, but I desire to actively listen and process the words of others.

I am sure that you yourself have had many conversations with people where you tried to express or share something that was very difficult to say and yet after the conversation you felt not heard and disregarded. This may not have only been because the other person was not engaged or didn't respond, but it could have also been because they were too quick to respond. I know this because I have been on both sides of this scenario. And let me tell you, it hurts to be told by someone, "I don't think you want to listen to me".

1. Addressing the issue:

One realization that I made about my struggles to listen was that I had a messiah-complex. I thought, that as a Christian, it was my responsibility to fix other people's problems. I thought that when scripture says to be prepared to answer for the hope that I have in Christ (1 Peter 3:15), that I was supposed to be quick to the point and provide people with a "3-point sermon" so that my hope may solve their struggle. The major thing I forgot about what 1 Peter 3:15 says is that being prepared to answer begins first with revering Christ and should be done with gentleness and respect. My quickness to respond with my own thoughts and wisdom was not a great example of reverence or respect and how could I begin to expect to answer without actually listening to the question first (assuming that someone has even asked for why I have hope). It is quite often the case that we like to share our "answer" without the question even being asked.

2. Begin by listening to God:

A great way to learn how to listen is to take the time to listen to God's word. Romans 10:17 tells us that faith comes from hearing the word of Christ. Now of course, many people hear the gospel message and reject it. Thus, hearing in this case must mean that it involves an active response of faith. This active response of faith is to continue to listen and be obedient to the word of God. When we take the time to listen to God as well as realizing that he is faithful to listen to our prayers, our natural desire should be to listen to others as well. As God makes us feel heard, we should make others feel heard as well.

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God's love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother and sister when we learn to listen to them.”- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

3. Listen to the person:

One of the greatest ways to love someone is to listen to them. Put your phone down, sit up, provide eye contact, and allow for your ears and mind to be focused on the words of the one whom you have the pleasure of listening to. If we fail to listen to others and would rather share our own voice, it shows that we don't care much to listen to God either. If we listen to God, it means our response should be to listen to those he created (ie. everyone). How we treat God's creation is a reflection of how we treat God.

James says it very plainly to be quick to listen, and slow to speak (James 1:19) so that we may be more like God in our love. So if we want to be more like God, we should listen and take our time before we speak and perhaps in some cases, not speak at all. Plainly, how we listen to God reflects how we listen to others.

Many Christians love to provide answers for all of life's questions without even taking time to listen to the questions. Christians mainly like to eavesdrop on the world's conversations, give their opinion, and then walk out the door to avoid questioning. People won't care about what you have to say until they know why they should listen to you. The answer of why usually comes because you have built a relationship with that person. You stay by their side in the highs of life but you also persevere through the lows with them. When you show Christ-like character and listen to others, they will most likely listen to you as well. But always remember, listen for the sake of listening, and not so that you can speak. If you do have the privilege of speaking, keep listening to yourself and the Holy Spirit within you. Simply, never stop listening.

4. The Calling:

I don't want to act as if listening is easy. Sometimes we feel unheard by people and by God but as much as I can, without knowing your situation, I encourage you to continue talking to God because he does hear you when you ask according to his will (1 John 5:14-15). It may take time to feel like you are heard but always leave room for God to talk in the midst of your prayer. You may feel unheard because you haven't given God the opportunity to tell you that he is there. Most times when I feel unheard, I go to the Word and always seem to be reminded by the words of scripture that I am known, loved, and listened to. Be patient as the listener and the speaker will speak when they are ready. God speaks at the perfect time, especially through his Word.

"Do our prayers sometimes go wrong because we insist on trying to talk to God when He wants to talk with us." - C.S Lewis

So go and listen. If you listen to the word of God and trust the guiding of the Spirit, you will know when the right time is to speak. I hope I can respectfully and gently advise you to "shut up" for the purpose of loving others. A reminder I certainly need for myself as well. To listen is to show someone that they are known, not only by you, but by the God who loves and creates them.

Your friend in Christ,

Kyle Wayne

Photo by Kyle Best "Seeing the cross in everyday life"(2020)