Why am I not better?

For the past couple weeks I have been writing and filming sermons for a 9-week sermon series speaking about Good News. I have experience writing and delivering sermons but all my experience was in person and not online so this has been a big adjustment for me. At first I thought filming sermons should be less stressful as less eyes would be staring at me but in fact, I have missed speaking in front of others and seeing faces and expressions. I realize I am more comfortable speaking to a room full of people rather than a lens. It just feels so impersonal.

When I speak to people, I am engaged and active as I move around. When I am more engaged physically in speaking, my voice follows in being expressive. However, in front of a camera, I am locked in position and struggle to find expression in my voice. After recording multiple takes of the same content over and over again because I have stumbled on a word or thought, I begin to identify with Moses slightly when he said he struggled with eloquence of speech (Ex 4:10). I think to myself, why can't I speak like (insert famous pastor name here) and show my passion for God's word and the truth that it holds? I quickly fall into the threat of negative comparison because other people speak with expression differently than I do.

It is certainly okay to want to imitate others to better ourselves. However, It becomes unhealthy when we desire to become someone that we are not made to be. This is a fine line but if our comparison to another person begins to tear us down rather than build us up, we have met the mark of an unhealthy practice. If our comparison leads us to Christ-like imitation, we are on the right path.

Here are two passages to consider from Paul on the matter:

"And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." (1 Cor 2:1-5)

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." (1 Cor 15:10)

We (especially I) have to realize that lofty speech, active stage presence, and a loud voice do not equate to holiness. Certainly, men and women of God who are expressive and deliver perfect catchy one-liners can be truthful in their preaching. I do not want to discount that. As well, speakers who may be more timid and deliver their sermons with such eloquence, may completely miss the mark of the truth of God's word. Paul tells us his "speech" was demonstrated in the power of the Spirit and not the wisdom of man. Paul is who he is not because of lofty speech or being an incredibly entertaining speaker (remember Paul made Eutychus fall asleep and fall out of window during his teaching (Acts 20:9)) but it is because of God's grace!

Should we strive to be better speakers in public and in front of a camera? yes. Does being a "better" speaker mean that the power of the Spirit is at work? not always. I can improve my speech and deliver my words with more passion, but I don't want people to rest in the wisdom I can provide, I want people to know the power of God. The moment that I believe that my words or expression of those words changes people's hearts, I am deceived. God may make me more expressive, he may make me more eloquent in my speech, but more than that, I need to be made new. As much I can believe my words will change people, God is the one who gives me the ability to speak and he also is the one who provides people with the ears to hear and the heart to respond.

So all the while when I am stressed because I believe that I am not good enough to deliver passionate sermons or teachings, the Lord is at work through my words (or sometimes in spite of my words). I am able to speak in front of a camera or people and share the good news of Christ because of God's grace, not my own power.

The longer we spend our time tearing ourselves down through unhealthy comparison, the less we are able to be who God made us to be. A pastor once told me, "If you were made to be a toaster, you are going to really suck at being a fridge". So if you were made to preach, preach. If you were made to sing, sing. If you were made to cook, cook. Always strive to become better at your craft but remember that your voice may sound different from others or your cooking may taste different from others, and that is okay. You are different not because you are worse than those you compare yourself to, but because God makes you unique by his grace. God's kingdom is not full of people who just sing one note, it's a symphony full of different voices and instruments working in unity to glorify God.

Whether I preach better in front of people or a camera, or if someone is more expressive and eloquent than me, people should not rest in human wisdom but instead in the power of God. I can continue to improve and work at my passion knowing full well and having the confidence that God provides the grace to make me who I need to be. He provides that same grace for you and I think that's pretty beautiful.

Your friend in Christ,

Kyle Wayne